Now what?

Well I'm still at home, two months later still waiting on the ideal job. I'm not being idle as in between watching a little television, I'm focused on my school work which has become very challenging. On the bright side, I have time on my hands to focus on my school work, I wonder how I would manage if I was working to do both. Am I undaunted? No! I'm running low on funds now, what with my school fees and all, but I'm confident that the right job will present itself at the right time so I should just make use of my free time now.
This is the final week for my present course and another starts next week so my brain will still be occupied. I don't know how things will work out for me, but at this time there's nothing to worry about. I'll just keep positive and exercise my God given faith as I wait on Him to direct my path. No, I'm not being flippant about my situation, the Lord does not give us more than we can bear and I know there's that great job suited for me, perks and all. When one door closes another opens and with that I say "good bye until next time."

Is Job loss the end of the world?

Having recently lost my job and am now on the job hunt has inspired me to write this article. I am now at a crossroads in my life. I have a son in high school, there are school books to purchase and bills to pay. Life must go on. How will I manage all this with no forseeing income?
Firstly, let me explore my own feelings. I really hated my job and wanted out. Was I ready to leave? The answer is no, I was hoping to at least find a job that I would love before leaving. Unfortunately, things happened in reverse. I am actually relieved that I no longer have to get up in the mornings to go to a job I had grown to hate. Hooray! for my emotional state. However, I do have financial obligations to meet. In addition to sending my son to school, buying groceries and paying bills, I also have school payments as I am currently pursuing my Master's in Counselling Psychology online.
How do I get through this?

First of all, I need to be positive as negative thoughts would encourage negative energies around me and that I really don't need.
Maintain my faith in God that he will see me throuugh as I believe that at any given point in our lives, we are where we are supposed to be and there is no problem or circumstance that is too big for God.

Now that I am at this point in my life, I need to explore what are my strengths and weaknesses, what do I really want to do wth my life and where do I want to go.

• I definitely want to work in an "helping" environment as helping others to live fulfilled lives is a passion of mine.
• Migration is also an option
• Finding opportunities online where I can generate income is another option.

For starters I have three options so I have somewhere to start.

The point in all of this is that in life there will be ups and downs. Things will come at us unexpectedly, but what matters most of all is how we deal with them.
Is a job loss a good thing? No, but what matters is how it is dealt with. As one door closes, another opens, we just need to be mentally and emotionally ready to seek out new opportunities. At times it is a push to get us to do things that we have always been putting off.
New beginnings, here I come!

Can both couples be happy in relationships where the women earn more?

In today's society, we see women stepping out more in the working world, taking on new challenges, going into new territory that was previously deemed for males only. Now they are earning the same incomes and even more. This might not be in the same field but there are realtionships where the women earn more than the men. Are men really comfortable with this? Or do you just grin and bear it and suffer silently? Coming from an age where ego is high and men are seen as the providers and bread winners, is it that you now see your masculinity as threatened? Can you both work together as a couple regardless of the female's financial standing and still be truly happy? If so for how long before the green eyed monster creeps in, you can no longer deal with it, hence you become aggressive towards your spouse and even accuse her of infidelity? Your attitude towards her changes, you push her away although she is still the loving spouse to you. On the flip side, does the woman now think that she can do better, she needs someone to match her income, who can provide for her instead of her having to spend more to maintain the household. Does she now see him as beneath her and treats him as such? This seems to be a tough one doesn't it? The question is, what drew these persons together in the first
place? Was it love or just the need for a relationship until some one better comes along? It may seem damaging to a man's ego, but would you lose out on true love because of this? If the woman loves you and is kind to you and sees you as her equal regardless of income, would you give her up because of your ego? For the woman, what matters more to you, the man or his ability to love and support you the best way he can?
I believe that regardless of one's income, a relationship can work if both persons love and respect each other. What if one person comes to the relationship with a lot of financial baggage, should the other person "bail" them out? Well that's another blog.

Is it ok to settle or wait for Mr./Ms. Right?

First let me give my definition of Mr./Ms. Right. This person should be the one who makes you happy, is there for you in the good times and bad, is not judgemental, respects you for who you are and is supportive of your choices (nothing illegal or detrimental to either party), whether or not they themselves would make them. This is the person who in your view would make a good parent and is some one you would look forward to growing old with. Most of all, someone who you can trust and depend on always. This is some one whose company you are proud to be in regardless of their looks or status in life. This person most of all should be some one who you chose to be with, not because your biological clock is ticking, or you want some one to take care of you or because all your friends are married/getting married and you feel left out.

Do I think it's ok to settle? No I don't! I have read articles where people are for settling with reasons as, at least you have a spouse and or children, or he helps with the children. yes, that may be so but does this person really make you happy? Can you really shed your inhibitions with this person? I strongly believe in being happy and sharing intimacy with my partner and if I can't have that, then, I'd rather be alone. At least that's my choice which I've freely acted on. I have to be happy with myself and who I am before I can share myself with another human being. It can't be that I rely on another person to make me happy. You see it's that confidence about you that attracts the right person to you. "You are what you attract."

Love is not a fantasy, neither is it superficial as some may think, it's real and it's reciprocal. It's not one sided or about one person loving the other more or less than their partner. It's about giving of one's self to the other. Otherwise one person would be un happy or unfulfilled.

We all want to feel loved and be happy, I think settling is selling one's self short. We are in fact saying that we don't love and appreciate our self enough and as such settle for some one who is at least "nice" as long as we can say we have a partner, then that's enough.

We are free to change our criteria at any time and that is good, because life is about change. The person who we were ten years ago is not the person we are today, our ideals change, our goals change and even our perspective on life itself changes. We love and appreciate ourself more as well as are more tolerant of others. That's all about growth and maturity and that's part of our socialisation and development. At the end of the day, the person who we choose for a life partner should not be because we want to settle but because we can be happy with this person. Let me interject here to say that being content is not being happy, these are two different type of feelings, one more stronger than the other.

We need to put aside the superficial and focus on what we really want. The question is, what are you looking for in a life partner?

The fact that one's criteria may change now does not necessarily mean that they're settling, but it may be that the previous criteria was more superficial and having matured, there's now a different perspective.

At the end of the day, it's who makes us happy or in some cases contented, hence, wanting Mr./Ms. Right is neither a fantasy nor farfetched, what matters is the type of person we want to share our life with.

The person who ten years ago was a geek who you would never date, is ten years later a jovial fun loving person who now has your interest. Maybe then, because of how he looked you wouldn't date him or it could be that over the years he has mellowed into a more fun loving person. Would that be settling, I don't think so, as both individuals have matured and have new perspectives on life.

Settling is more of compromising one's standards just to fulfil their want's/desires. One's self esteem would be questioned here too. Being jealous of others because they have a spouse and seem happy is not a good reason to settle down with some one. Settling will lend itself to cheating when some time later the ideal turns up.
There is a difference between changing our criteria and settling. Settling says we are not happy with ourselves and we don't have much self esteem or confidence. Changing our criteria says we are happy with ourselves and life in general and with maturity our perspectives may change, however we will not compromise our standards.

I know some one who has been happily married for over forty years, she liked a man who could sing yet her husband could not strike a note. Did she settle, I think not. His ability to sing was just a bonus.

Well, I'm in my early forties and I love myself, I want to be happy with the choice I make in choosing a life partner, hence, I will NOT settle. That person should add to my happiness, not subtract from it and I certainly don't intend to be just contented I want to be happy.

Is there a thin line between love and selfishness?

As women we all want attention, we want to be pampered and feel loved. We want to brag to our friends how the love of our life waits on us hand and foot and will do anything for us. That's all well and good, but love is reciprocal. What do we do in turn for our doting spouse? Wash, cook and clean, sex on our terms and that should be enough? Come on ladies, that's downright selfish! Whether or not we are in a relationship, we still have to wash, cook and clean, well sex is up to you. The man needs to feel special too, he wants to brag to his friends too. Love is not a one way street, it goes both ways and so does the expression of love.
I get it, some will say but men are like that too, want to receive only. That's true, but my point is this, love is reciprocal. It ought not to be only one receiving without even making any effort to give because as much as you may feel "loved" and be bragging about it. You are downright selfish and do not deserve such a partner. Regardless of whether you are the receiving male or female, my point is still the same. The thing about love is, it's pure, it's not selfish nor self seeking. At times we use our own insecurities and poor self esteem to justify love. If one partner is giving their souls to a selfish person under the guise of love, then they have self issues that needs to be dealt with. Just the same if the other partner is taking and expecting more without giving, they too have self issues that need to be addressed and are hiding behind "love." Sure both parties do love, I'm not for once disputing that, what I'm concerned about is the expression of that love.
Unfortunately, there are persons who have never felt loved before, whether as a child from a parent or other relative. They don't know kindness as no one has ever been kind to them. They meet some one who shows them some attention and they are smitten, so what do they do? They give their heart and souls to these users who having not experienced this type of attention just keep taking from them. The other side of it though, is that in some instances, neither party mind as some are givers and some are takers. I can well appreciate that but I'm sure a giver would also want to receive and vice versa. Whether we want to accept it or not, this is more an expression of abuse than love.
Love is a beautiful thing, there is giving and receiving unselfishly. It brings joy and hope, let's not ruin it. Love brings people together, not divide and more than anything else, love conquers all.

Thankful

As we embark on another year, let's pause to recognize what we are thankful for, life, health, family, relationships, friends, a job, children, happiness, independence, freedom of speech etc.., Here's hoping that the New Year will bring us whatever we desire to get us to the place we want to be with ourselves, and when we do get there, remember to say, "thanks."

In love or insecure

I heard of a situation, which I have to write about. The scenario is a woman complaining that her husband is still keeping in touch with his ex - girlfriends. She has mentioned three of them that she knows of, so it may be more. The response of the counsellor to her is that she should demand that he stops talking to them out of love for her as she is uncomfortable with the situation.
My view, I say it is an outrage! This counsellor is condoning this woman's insecurity! She wants to control the man's actions under the guise of love. She needs to build her self esteem and self confidence. The man stops talking to his exes then what? Will things be fine with them? I think not because she will still be insecure, so she will find something else to gripe about. Next time it will be his working late, or night out with the boys or the way he looks at the neighbour, or his new interests or anything else that will feed her insecurities.
She needs to focus on herself, the individual. What are her strong points? How does she really feel about herself? What does she want out of life for herself without imposing on anyone else? It's obvious that this man has some good qualities, hence still in contact with his exes as there are some men who are so hated after a relationship is ended.
I say, come on women, let's assert ourselves and not sell ourselves short. Men prefer strong confident women than women who are insecure and clingy and trust me, they'll stick around longer.